Free Fall
by de aequitate
Summary: What we were doing wasn't love nor was it lust, it was simply just needs. He needed someone to lash out his anger at, to lash out his frustration...no string attach kind of thing. And I just needed someone to damage me more...just so I can forgive him.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: In no way do I hold any claim to any of the characters from Veronica Mars.  
_

--------------------------------------- Free Fall

I was falling faster than my mind allowed me to understand what I was doing to myself. My body hurts when he touched. What we were doing wasn't love nor was it lust, it was simply just needs. He needed someone to lash out his anger at, to lash out his frustration...no strings attached kind of thing. And I just needed someone to damage me more...just so I can forgive _him_.

_He_ wasn't supposed to leave me broken and shattered. _He_ wasn't supposed to have _his _hand smear in blood. But _he_ did and what was I supposed to do? This thing…this pain that is forever lodge in my heart refused to go away and so I grasp for whatever is near. I could only guess he did the same. We were blindsided, neither one of us wanted to embrace reality because reality was too harsh to handle. And so we continue…

It numbed us. When we touch, it didn't heal the wound or the scars left behind, all it did was numbed it. This thing that we do, this release became addictive to both he and I because neither one of us could quit. I couldn't ask for more. It was sad excuse to forget everything and everyone and deep down I kind of wanted to hurt _him_. I wanted _him_ to feel what it felt like to be betrayed by someone you love, to hurt and cry each night because in the end it doesn't feel so great. Than again how much can one dead person feel six feet under?

He doesn't look me in the eyes when he takes my clothes off. He doesn't whisper sweet nothing into my ears like those sappy romance movie I had dreamt of. I supposed I was foolish to believe when that special night came along; I would be swept off my feet and laid in a bed covered with roses. But than again who says dreams comes true.

"Harder…" I couldn't say his name because that would be just like admitting that reality does exist within this wall we escape to. So I hold onto him knowing that his next thrust would hurt. It always did.

We don't scream out each others name only the loud banging of the bedpost against the wall says it all. No matter how much we tell ourselves neither one us could denied that this thing we do means more to us than we can hope to admit. And I hated it and I knew he did to.

"I hate you," he whispered into my ears.

I pressed my body to his, "And I hate you too." When did we come to this stage where everything begins to feel? I pushed his body off of me as he stared at me confused. I'm not sure what I am doing because at this point we no longer follow the straight and narrow path. Our lives were too closely intertwined for my own comfort.

"I can't do this anymore."

It was easy when we first started. I knew what I needed from him and he knew what he needed from me. Everything was black and white, there was no such thing as a grey area in this so called relationship of ours. We swore to each other that feelings wouldn't exist, that whatever we were doing only qualify as need when had it become something more than need?

His sat on the edge of the bed with his back turn towards me. I lay naked under the sheets. "I dreamt about him last night." I stayed silent. I didn't trust my voice; I wasn't ready to discuss him just yet, because he had hurt me more than I wished to ever admit. "I don't think he would have approved of us or what we are doing," he said seriously. I don't think I would approve of us either.

He ran his hand through his blonde hair. "I guess it was good while it lasted." He was back to his old self, the one who could give a damn about how I felt. It was the Dick I knew who wouldn't hurt me like he had.

There was no goodbye kisses only the soft click of the door as he walked out. And for some oddly known reason I cried. The pain that I had numbed came rushing back at me and I couldn't handle it. I never could before…because he was always there to take it away.

As I looked up, he stood there staring at the tears that stream down my face. He pulled me towards him, his lip on mine and I knew that everything was going to be okay with him here. Despite what we wanted to believe this thing that we had was the only thing that we had left to hold onto.

--------------------------------------- end

_A/N: I know that Mac and Dick were completely out of characters and I do apologized and also for my absolute horrid grammar ability. As you can see English happens to not be my first language. Well despite the setback I supposed you can say, I hope you like._


	2. Chapter 2

------- [Selfish]

No matter how much we lied to our self, we are all selfish. We used and abuse till the point where we damage our self along the way. He stayed and I allowed him, I hold onto him till both he and I could no longer come up. We were both drowning in each other's own selfishness. It no longer was a matter of healing, of forgetting the wrongs we committed; it simply came down to the fact that we were each other safety net. Surely both he and I was going to fall eventually, our nets never truly existed.

It was all pretend. Emotions that decided to act out its part were a simple decoy to trick our make-believe audience into believing this was real. The underlying theme was that selfishness can cause us to do harmful things to one another. The irony was that we were too selfish to realize that. Let's laugh at the fool who started to believe this was real. Let's pretend that the endless bottles of booze, blond hair Madison look alike, and late nights partying never really bother _her_. He never said that he was committed to his part in the play; we all just pretend he did. I did anyway. But who was I to kid, I was never truly committed to this play either which did not explain why I allow him to drag me across the room from the random stranger I was getting to know.

His blue eyes light up in anger as he twisted my body to face his. I wanted to laugh which seems to be happening quite a lot lately now that I thought about it. Everything was moving too fast, it was all to surreal. "What are you doing Dick?" I asked him, slightly drunk. He wasn't the only one who's room was lined up in empty beer bottles. It was a nasty habit I was developing.

"I should asked the same for you?" He lead me outside the hotel room, upstairs, I hate him for leading me there. It was a place I avoided. Just because it was where he seek solace did not mean I was going to find it there too. I was getting over the nightmare of _his_ face, of _his_ voice, and of _his _broken body all bloody and distorted for the world to hate.

I laugh...I let go and I was ready to truly fall, it's time I pull myself up. I was letting go, but he held on. What happen to us being selfish, what happen to the used and abuse policy we had on one another. He wasn't supposed to hold on, he was supposed to push me farther down so that it was he who came on top. This was the prime time for him to get a little enjoyment out of his tragic younger brother pathetic girlfriend's, who has yet to learn how to move on, pain.

"Let go." He held on tighter.

"We've been through this before," and it was always the same story that was played out for us. "I'm tired of this game." Dick being serious was almost laughable, but its never as amusing as it should be when you're involved.

"I said let go. Dick I know you're dense but you cannot be this stupid to not comprehend, Let go!" I shouted at him and still he refused to let me go.

"It's easier to give up," he simply said, I stopped my struggle. "We're fucked up and there's nothing you can do about, so just accept the fact that you, Mackie, is as screw up as I am."

This scene, this part of the play, its been done. But despite the changes in setting, changes in plot, it always ended the same no matter how many times I tried to change things around. Selfish as both he and I were, we were willing to hurt our self for one another. Yes we are fucked up people. The idea of anyone of us helping one another out sounds all too outrageous. I could laugh, this whole thing, whatever it is doesn't exist. Stupid, even I know that sounds like the lies of a self deluding insane human being.

"Admit it Mac," his large hand clasp my face, forcing me to stare into his eyes. "You need me as much as I need you."

Yes, we were selfish, selfish people…and somewhere along the line it manifest itself into something I do not want to admit to myself. Because last time, it took a part of me that I could never repair. And damn him for trying, because it was slowly working.

Need, this was all this was, need.

------------------- A/N

My somewhat companion piece to free fall and I think I just made Mac a little crazier than before. Last time she was just a masochist now she's a selfish self-deluding drunk. Thank god for Dick, huh? I think most stories have it the other way around, I think I missed the memo somewhere when this pairing became the what-not. Anyway, minus the lack of character progression, I hoped you enjoy.


End file.
